The United Peacekeepers Fleet, or UPF, is a volunteer organization devoted to preserving the public good throughout the known (and unknown) galaxy. It is perhaps best known as the fleet of ships that finally chased off the Xan. The UPF is a volunteer organization that does a little of everything: disaster relief, black hole surveying, even first contact and outer colony rescue. One of its ships is called the Flounder. . .

     “Space- the great mysterious unknown. Men and women have gazed into your depths for ages past, knowing we can never truly understand you. Which is why we’re out here trying. And failing. And wondering why in the world we ever agreed to come out here in the first place. And- do you hear that?” Audrey Clark stopped dictating melodramatically to her computer and scanned the bridge of the UPF Flounder with worried green eyes.

She saw nothing out of the ordinary. The cramped bridge was still upholstered in battered fake tan leather, the auxiliary steering console was still cracked, and the exposed wiring still had masking tape marking all radioactive wires. Yet something was making a persistent beeping noise. Audrey, who had an extremely low opinion of the Flounder’s capabilities and a very strong fear of hidden bombs, backed off the bridge and dashed for the intercom in the hallway.

“Quent! ” she gasped. She heard a loud banging and the gruff voice of the Wearawolf calmly inquired what she wanted.

“Quent, there is something beeping on the bridge.”

Quent sighed. “Can’t the ships computer identify it? I’m trying to keep dark matter from leaking into the plumbing.”

“The computer could identify it” Audrey admitted, “If it were turned on. But Bob tried to give the computer more of a personality, and it had an identity crisis. It thinks it’s a toaster and I had to turn it off because it was spitting hot buttered info chips at me. I was using my own computer to take notes, but I left it clipped into the main console.”

“And,” said Quent, “ wild hornglyphs from Bellatrix VII couldn’t get you to go back in there.”

“ Exactly”

“ I’ll get Tikka and Bob to fix the plumbing” Quent sighed.

Five minutes later, by Galactic Standard Time, Quent and Audrey had torn apart most of the bridge. And the beeping, the source of which had not been found, was starting to get annoying.

“ Well,” said Audrey, her short curly hair sticking out in all directions, “ at least we know what happened to your laser screwdriver. Although what it’s doing tucked in the emergency manual is beyond me.”

Quent twirled his $104.45 screwdriver, now with a cracked emitter, between his fingers. “Maybe we have a Jonah onboard.”

Audrey kicked the targeting scanner, which promptly broke. “ Do Jonahs beep?’ She got no answer, because Quent was staring thoughtfully into the middle distance. Suddenly he fixed huge brown eyes on Audrey.

“Before the beeping started, did you hear a really corny country song?”

“I think so- Audrey started. She was cut off by Quent dashing to the center chair and pulling its seat cushion off.

“It’s Captain Wendell’s cell phone!” Quent exclaimed. Indeed, the phone’s holographic display was flashing Important: Incoming Message in red. It was also flashing Warning: low power cell. Please change immediately, but Captain Wendell’s phone had been saying that since he’d dropped it into the acid seas of New Idaho. “Audrey”, Quent asked, “Could you get everyone to gather in the dining room?”

Audrey nodded and walked to the door. Then she stopped, staring at the adjacent dining room door. “Quent”, she asked, “does leaking dark matter make hydrosteel glow a faint purple?”

“Yeah,” said Quent. “Why?”

“Let’s meet on the bridge.” Audrey said. “After we’ve checked on Bob and Tikka.”

The bridge was really designed to hold three, or at most four, life forms. Besides Audrey and Quent, three other people resided on the Flounder, bringing the total bridge occupancy up to five and the grumpiness level up to nine hundred.

“Um,” said Quent. “Thank you all for being so understanding. I don’t know how dark matter managed to irradiate the dining room-“

“Oh yes you do.” said Serlina, her long blue-blond hair floating in a nonexistent breeze. “Bob and I should never have tried to fix the hall faucet. Now what is the reason for this meeting?”

Quent waved the cell phone at her. “ Captain Wendell’s phone is ringing.”

Audrey raised her hand and Quent frowned at her. “Why don’t we take the message?”

“You know we have to take a roll call before we do.” Quent replied. “ Otherwise someone might sneak in and hear sensitive information. Now, who’s first?”

Bob hopped to his feet with a sound resembling a cymbal crash. He was a five foot six inch stainless steel robot of a roughly human shape, with glowing green eyes, no nose, and a cheerfulness almost as expansive as his ability to cause trouble. He threw his arms wide (smacking Audrey in the face as he did so, and effectively ending her mental tirade on the inefficiency of waiting for an intruder to voluntarily reveal themselves) and declared “ Bob. In charge of ship maintenance!” Then he crash-bang-clanged back into his seat.

Audrey followed him. She was human, blond, green-eyed, and curly-haired. With much less enthusiasm she declared, “ Audrey Clark. Photographer attached to this ship for the sole purpose of recording black holes.” Then she sat back down and immediately got into a tussle with Bob, who had moved a soda into her seat in her absence.

Serlina floated to her feet next. She was a head shorter than Bob and an ethereal specter from planet 57, meaning that she had a slight blue tinge to her fairytale princess looks and the ability to breath in space. She was also used to much higher gravity, hence the drifting. “Queren Serlina Di,” She announced regally, “ in charge of steering.” Then she tried to sit down, but as Bob had spilled vanilla taffy soda all over the only available seat, she decided to remain standing.

Tikka, who claimed as her homeland the lush mushroom forests of 1213, floated calmly above the sticky tussle. She was new-leaf–green and the size of a spherical watermelon, with four arms, five eyes on pliable stalks, and a long, diamond tipped tail. “Tikka Takakakakakakakaka (Her last name was a bit difficult to stop saying). Audrey’s assistant”

Quent, a big jet-black Wearawolf with a few tan streaks and a very distinguished muzzle, announced his name and that he was Captain Wendell’s assistant, but even an extremely sharp eared spying bat-being who wanted to find sensitive information would have had trouble hearing him over the din of Bob yelling, Audrey threatening to pour soda over him and see how he liked it, Serlina threatening to vent them all into space, and Tikka singing a traditional mushroom hunting song.

‘Um, Guys?” said Quent.

“You just need to have more cheerfulness Audrey!”

“I’m counting to nine. One, two…”

“I hope you rust to death like the tin man!”

Trrrrr, Trrrrr, Tat tat tat tat….”

“Hey!!” yelled Quent.

“Well,” said a voice from the phone. “That certainly sounds like the Flounder. But where’s Wilbur Wendell and his crazy harmonica playing?”

Everyone jumped. Audrey, Serlina, and Tikka, staring at the woman in the holographic display, all gasped “ Madam Director!” in a very guilty manner. Bob held up a crushed soda can and declared to nobody in particular that,

“The Splash shorted out my cyber-trousers!”

The woman in the phone, who was indeed the Grand Director of the United Peacekeeping Fleet, and whose actual name was Sally, shook her head in a dignified manner. “Splash is terribly hard on technology. I lost a self-propelled vacuum cleaner to the cherry fudge flavor last week. But I didn’t call to compare large appliance horror stories. Something has come up and we need Wendell’s help.”

Behind Sally, a window exploded. Then a runaway rocket bike trailing green smoke zoomed across the tiny holographic view screen. “Has a war broken out on Earth?” Quent gasped.

Sally looked alarmed. “ No! Whatever gave you that idea?”

“The window…” Quent suggested.

“Oh.” Said Sally. “Oh no, that’s just my secretary. He’s doing spring cleaning.” Behind her, a marble bust of Thomas Jefferson exploded.

“Well, that’s a relief,” sighed Quent. “ But I’m afraid I have some very bad news Madam Director. Captain Wendell was sucked out the window yesterday and we can’t find him.”

“Again!” Exclaimed Sally. “What does this make then, the fourth time?”

“The fifth” said Serlina.

“Not counting the incident at Theta II” added Audrey.

“Wilbur will turn up somewhere,” Sally said reassuringly. “But in the meantime, you’re going to have save the Days without him. Have you ever hard of the Days?”

“No” said Quent, Tikka, Serlina, and Bob.

“Yes” said Audrey. “They’re a dozen colonies on the fifteenth moon of Andromeda tri. They’re the number one producer of dark matter.”

“Right,” said Sally. “And they’re under attack. We can’t tell who is attacking them, and we lost contact. You’re the only UPF ship anywhere near the Days. Think you can help?”

Quent sighed. “Well…”

Sally turned her head to listen to someone yelling in the background, and then turned back to the tiny view screen. “ I have to go. My secretary needs me. The bathtub has gone berserk and is chasing him around the parking garage.” She flicked a switch on her desk and her image disappeared.

“Well”, said Quent. “Let’s set course for the Days.”

The course was laid in with only minimal difficulty (Serlina managed to keep that console safe by telling Bob it was haunted) a dinner of cold cereal was eaten, it was past midnight (12:24, to be exact), and not a creature was stirring, not even a bat being, when Audrey rolled out of bed. Careful not to disturb Tikka, who shared a room with her, Audrey slipped into.

“Computer?” asked Audrey, “ do you know who you are?”

“Ship computer 290857423,” replied the computer in a soft sweet voice. “ Although I do wish…”

“Wish what?” asked Audrey.

“Never mind,” said the computer. “How may I help you?”

“ Bring up the complete history of the Days.” said Audrey.

“ Formed in 2098 by five men from North America, the Days were extremely popular for their music, which was rock lyrics set to classical tunes. They are considered the founders of classical rock, distinguished from classic rock in that-”

“No computer,” Audrey said. “I meant the colonies called the Days.”

“Oh.” said the computer “Those Days. Founded in 2220 on Andromeda tri by a small group of entrepreneurs determined to provide an independent supplier of dark matter. Highly successful, the Days entire economy revolves around Dark matter production. The surface of Andromeda tri is inhospitable and has only three native life-forms, the-”

“Thank you computer” said Audrey. “I don’t need the life-forms. Bring up the complete history of…” she frowned. “ Of the colony on New Brazil.”

“Founded in” the computer started to say, but it was cut off by Tikka, who floated in the door and demanded to know what Audrey was doing.

“Just some midnight reading” said Audrey.

“It’s one in the morning” Tikka replied. “And this is about the colonies, isn’t it.”

“2198 by a group farmers who wanted to grow vanilla berries,” said the computer.

Tikka gave Audrey a knowing look. Audrey sighed. “Tikka, you know how I feel. First Redsburg, then Little New York, and now this?”

“It can’t be a coincidence. I know.” Tikka twitched her tail uncomfortably. “But Audrey, what else could it be? Everyone knows colony living is dangerous. Even if someone didn’t, the insurance prices would clue them in.”

“ New Brazil is a lush wilderness,”

“Tikka, please just let me run this idea through the computer. If it doesn’t work out I’ll forget about it.”

Tikka twitched her tail about in extreme agitation. “ OK Audrey, but please promise me you won’t embarrass yourself this time.”

“Flora and Fauna include” the computer paused. “ If you aren’t going to listen to me, will you terminate you’re request? I feel pointless.”

Audrey opened her mouth to answer the computer, but she was interrupted by Quent’s voice.

“Bob, there are no bat beings in the hallway, and there are no-Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! A ghost!”

“Oh no!” screamed Bob as he began running in circles. “It’s a ghost! Or a specter! Or a vampire! Or a wherwolf!”

“Aaaaaaaaooooooooohhhhhh” howled Quent.

“Yikes” said Tikka.

“Or the abominable snowman! Or King Kong! Or bloody Mary!” screamed Bob, now running in hexagons.

“The greater spotted fluff-bird, sixteen varieties of the mushroom Temella Torminosus, the large rockwood sprygwort, and an unknown number of biting orchids.” said the computer; it’s sweet voice now sounding a bit ticked off.

“What,” demanded Serlina, drifting regally into the room in a velvet nightgown that made her resemble a sorceress, “is going on?”

“Or Frankenstein! Or Richard Nixon! Or the Easter bunny!” wailed Bob.

“Easter bunny?” said Serlina, puzzled. “Where?” then she looked at Audrey, squinched her eyebrows together, and said, “Audrey, take off the bathrobe. You’re scaring them.”

Audrey did so, and Quent stopped howling and looked embarrassed.

Bob continued to run in triangles; now screaming “ They’ve gone invisible! They’re going to rob the democratic national headquarters! Or suck my lifeblood! Or sell me car insurance! Or revolutionize the postal system!”

Serlina stuck out her foot and tripped Bob as he came around a fifty-second time.

“Now,” she said, “To repeat my question. What in the multiverse is going on?”

“You said ‘What is going on’ last time.” complained Bob, who was sitting on the floor in a heap. “And the existence of a multiverse has yet to be proven.”

Quent glared at Bob. “Mr. Iron-alloy breath here dragged me out of bed to chase down the ghosts he thought were using the ships computer.”

“New Brazil was destroyed by a series of freak gopher accidents in 2205 and it’s property was bought by Jett-Black Inc., which now controls a dark matter processing plant on the site of the former colony.” said the computer, now audibly irritable.

“New Brazil?” asked Quent. “Why are you looking up the history of an outer colony at one in the morning, Tikka?”

“Tikka wasn’t looking up the history of New Brazil,” said Audrey, “I was. Computer, stop.” she said. The computer heaved a huge sigh of relief. Audrey heaved a huge sigh of frustration.

“ Do any of you think that the attack on the Days is strange?” she asked.

“Well, no” said Quent, as Serlina and Bob shook their heads.

“Exactly!” Cried Audrey, with a frightening glint in her eye. “And do you know why?”

“Audrey’s acting a little weird, isn’t she?” whispered Bob to Serlina.

“Audrey, please,” moaned Tikka. “This is why the Carpathia refused to take the black hole surveying job.”

Suddenly Serlina gasped. “Audrey”, she asked, “Are you from an outer colony?” Audrey nodded.

“ Not New Brazil though,” she said. “ I’m from Amber Hills.” Her announcement had a profound effect. Serlina’s eyes widened, Quent’s hair stood on end, and Bob rammed headfirst into the already broken targeting scanner trying to back away from her. Even the computer gasped. “I’m not contagious,” Audrey laughed, “ I don’t glow in the dark, I can’t make objects become possessed and attack, I don’t drink blood, and I can’t rip holes in the universe and shove people through them. I’m just a person who was irradiated with an unknown form of radiation when I was little.”

“That’s not very comforting,” said Bob.

“What does this have to do with the Days?” asked Quent

“Audrey has this theory,” said Tikka, “About the Earth government…”

“Actually,” said Audrey, “I ditched that theory. This one really makes sense.”

Five pairs of eyes and one sonic imaging scanner stared at her.

“Computer,” said Audrey, “ create a three-part Venn diagram. First circle, colony planets destroyed in the past 17 years. Second circle, colony planets suitable for dark matter production, third circle, locations of dark matter processing plants erected by Jett-Black Inc. in the past seventeen years.”

“Processing data,” the computer said. It began to play music.

“Mozart?” asked Quent.

“Michael Jackson?” asked Serlina.

“It’s the Days”, said Audrey, “Tribute to the Great M’s. 6 weeks on the galactic hit singles list.”

“Process complete,” said the computer. “I apologize for the tiny type. It was the only way I could squeeze everything in there.” Indeed, the circles on the Venn diagram were filled only where they all intersected.

“Well?” asked Audrey.

Quent squinted at the middle of the Venn diagram. “Jett-Black Inc. Audrey, this is not good.”

“Why? The data is irreproachable,” said Audrey.

“Yes, but Jett-Black Inc. is a major corporation. Accusing them of complications in a colony world disaster would hurt the stock market.”

“What does Jett-Black Inc. make?” asked Serlina

“Millions” said Audrey.

“Cyber clothes for the high-tech consumer” said Bob. (Bob was a very devoted fan of cyber-clothes.)

“Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.” Said the computer. Everyone turned to look at it. “ I was programmed to sound an alarm when we were half an hour from our destination.” The computer explained, it’s holographic display blushing red.

“What might we be up against when we land?” Serlina asked.

“If previous outer colony world disasters are any indication, anything from radiation so strong it makes jell-o stand still to murderous groundhogs,” said Audrey. Everyone shuddered.

“We have half an hour,” Quent said. “Lets see if we can get the ship ready for battle”

“Uh, Quent?” said Audrey.

“Yeah?”

“The Wearawolf home fleet has high powered seismic cannons. The Earth navy has anti-matter cannons and 94.5 caliber negative-gravity rifles. The Zazzaland sun corps has morphic shielding that lets them ram enemy ships. And the Xan, (there was a collective wince and everyone made an x in the air) may we never see them again, used a device that sucked the souls right out of their victims.”

“Yeah,” said Quent. “So?”

“So every piece of that advanced military equipment is produced by Jett-Black Inc. And our water lasers don’t work because Bob sat on the targeting imager and cracked it! We’re going to fight a company that has extensive knowledge of the best weaponry in the galaxy, and the only thing on this ship that functions is the bullhorn!”

“Wait,” said Serlina, “Jett-Black Inc. contracted with the Xan!?”

“Yep. Made a bundle. Destroyed our seventh moon in a mining accident and we sued them after the war” said Tikka.

“I don’t believe it. They ruined Tikka’s moon and got away with money?!” said Serlina.

“You better” Audrey said darkly. “My grandmother was in that war. She has a Xan soul stealer, and it has Jett-Black’s little *JjBb* symbol on the handle.”

“Actually, what with the overhead costs and everything, the mining operation wasn’t successful. I meant that we made a bundle when we sued.” said Tikka.

“Maybe,” said Quent, “ we could fix something before we arrived.” Then he gave everyone so severe a glare that the bridge was instantly deserted, everyone having run off to check wiring, fix leaky connecters, run a self-diagnostic, and get dressed. In that order: Quent had a very terrifying glare.

By the time the Flounder plunged erratically into orbit around Andromeda Tri (Bob had fiddled with the flight plan and they entered orbit upside down.) the targeting imager worked and so did the water laser emitters. But there was a problem.

“No lasers?” asked Quent incredulously. He stood on the cramped bridge with Bob, who had a screwdriver, and Serlina, who had a granola bar and orange juice. “What happened?”

“When we went through that black hole last week it must have drained them.” said Bob. “And we didn’t notice because we never use them.”

“So all we have to fight off a possible aggressor is…”

“Water cannons” said Serlina, nibbling on her granola. “Except we had to shunt the water flow out of all port systems to keep it from mixing with dark matter, so the pressure will be equivalent to that of a strong hose.”

Quent put his head down on the targeting scanner. “ Ohh, what’s going to go wrong next?”

Audrey walked on the bridge, dropped into a seat, and began putting her shoes on. As she tied each lace in a double knot she flicked on the visual scanner and keyed it onto the planet below. The screen showed a barren brown surface. Audrey grimaced. “Here’s your next problem. The Days are home to the worst kind of kudzu possible, so this entire area should be dark green.”

Tikka floated on the bridge, looked at the screen, dropped her doughnuts, and, as glazed blueberry spheres bounced around the bridge, said “Yikes.”

Serlina wafted over to the scientific scanner, removed the barbed wire and bear traps, (she refused to let Bob destroy this console) and ran a quick survey. “It’s OK. The colonists are still alive.” She frowned. “But they’re… underground?”

“Shelters.” said Audrey, staring at the post-apocalyptic vision on the screen. “All colony’s are required to have ones that can withstand radiation, direct fire, and gophers.” She turned to Quent. “The attackers will still be here. They’re waiting for the colonists to decide it’s safe and come back aboveground before attacking again.”

“All right then,” said Quent. “Battle stations everyone!”

Quent was being a bit optimistic. The flounder was a science ship. It had been a warship many years ago, during the wars against the Xan, when water lasers were innovative new weapons and metallic leg warmers were the height of style. Still, Serlina, Bob, and Quent headed for battle stations and Audrey and Tikka headed out of the way, as photographers don’t have battle stations.

Normally. But the Flounder was missing it’s Captain and about to go into battle, so Audrey ended up sitting on the bear trap, squinting at the scientific scanners as Tikka and Bob poked around the propulsion system.

“Ok, Serlina. Put us in a search pattern around the planet, and put us inside the atmosphere.” said Quent “If we meet someone I want the water cannons to have some effect.”

Serlina nodded and the Flounder dove into the atmosphere. Of course, the buffeting blockers had been destroyed in a smog storm on their last visit to New Idaho, so the Flounder immediately began bouncing about in the atmospheric currents.

“G-g-g-g-good S-serlina, h-hold her st-steady” Quent gasped as the entire ship vibrated.

“I’m p-picking up a weird c-cyber s-signature” Audrey said. She squinted at the radar-imaging screen, which was registering impossible shapes, and the view screen, which had shut off.

“What?” yelled Quent.

“I’m p-picking-” Audrey yelled again, but the rest of her sentence was cut off by a huge ZZZZAAAATTTT. The saucer shaped Flounder flipped end over end and people, equipment, and blueberry doughnuts went flying.

“It’s them,” declared Audrey. She flicked a few switches and kicked the scanner. The view screen turned back on, now filled with jet-black pyramid shaped ships. The big one in the lead had its point, on which the *JjBb* symbol was clearly visible, aimed at the Flounder, and the point was glowing with blue white lightning.

“Quent, does this ship have armor?” Audrey gasped.

“The controls were re-routed.” Quent growled. “I can’t access it.”

“Initiating armor deployment.” Announced the computer. The reassuring click of gold reinforced hydrosteel followed its words.

“Thanks computer.” gasped Audrey.

“Don’t thank me yet,” said the computer. “The armor won’t hold up against those weapons for long.” As if to prove its point, the ship was then hit with another zap of lightning. Half the armor plating on the Flounder’s bottom fell off. Luckily, the lightning kicked the buffeting blockers back into being, and the ship went from an uncontrolled spiral to a dead stop.

“Bob!” yelled Quent.

“What’s the matter?” asked Bob.

“Why,” Quent roared, “ Are the cannons now non-functioning?!”

“That last lightning bolt drove a pipe into the water supply chamber” said Tikka. “ The cannons can’t pump water anymore.”

“Well can’t you load them manually?”

“Quent,” Tikka interrupted, “water cannons are specifically designed to prevent tampering. You can’t load water into them manually. It triggers the self destruct.”

Serlina took the Flounder into a controlled spiral to evade another bolt of lightning. Audrey stared at the scanners. Think. She told herself. Think. Unfortunately, all she could concentrate on was the malfunctioning asteroid warning system, which was telling her they were in a class 46DD asteroid belt, and the rather spiky bear trap she was sitting on. Think. Audrey told herself. Then, and stop talking to yourself. Do you want to be as nutty as Bob and his cyber-trousers? The Flounder shuddered and yet another piece of plating fell off and plummeted to the planet below. Audrey froze with one hand on the asteroid warning system. Cyber-trousers! She leapt to her feet, ripping her pocket on the bear trap, and dashed for the door.

“Audrey?” asked Quent. “What are you doing?”

“Finding some Splash!” Audrey yelled over her shoulder.

“Audrey?” asked Quent, but Audrey was already in Bob’s room, tearing it apart in her search for Splash. She finally found some, under the bed, and lugged a 14 pack of lemon-marshmallow down to Tikka and Bob.

“Audrey! This is no time for a cold chilled glass of soda,” scolded Bob.

“I know,” said Audrey. “Load these into the cannons.” Bob and Tikka stared blankly at her.

“Hurry!” moaned Audrey. “ I’m hoping the Splash will short out the ships the same way it shorts out everything else.”

“Ohhh.” said Bob and Tikka. The Flounder’s cannons had, at one time, fired antimatter bombs, so they accepted the cans of Splash with only minimal pushing and shoving. And it was lucky they did, for no sooner had the thirteenth can been loaded (Bob was drinking the fourteenth) than the ship took a direct hit.

“Audrey, you’d better have a plan!” Quent yelled. “Because we just lost the armor!”

“Fire on the lead ship!” Audrey yelled in reply.

“With what!”

“Just fire!”

Quent did, and the cans of Splash shot out of the cannons, spun end over end, and exploded against the hideous black monstrosities. And the Splash worked- where it hit the shiny black surface polish flaked off, wires sprang out of protective casing, and entire plates of diamond reinforced armor plating sheared off. One of the smaller black triangle ships plummeted out of orbit. But through sheer dumb luck the lead ship remained undamaged. Even worse, a great twining snake of blue lightning formed around its tip.

“Oh shoot.” said Quent.

“No don’t say-” Audrey started, but then the bolt hit, the buffeting blockers gave up the ghost, and the flounder began back flipping out of the atmosphere. Tikka bounced around the tiny cannon storage room like a beach ball, Bob was flung into the hallway, leaving a Bob-sized hole in the door, and Audrey got a mouthful of Splash as she slammed from one wall to another. She grabbed a canon as she careened by, and the cannon pulled out of the wall and began bouncing around the room with Audrey and Tikka. Convinced that her demise was imminent, Audrey squeezed her eyes shut. Then, for no reason other than that she had fantasized the destruction of Jett-Black’s fleet for months, Audrey willed a hole in the fabric of the universe to form and swallow the ships. With big, sharp teeth she thought. And maybe a forked tongue-nah, that’s too devilish.

Up on the bridge, Quent and Serlina watched in utter shock as the very fabric of space seemed to ripple, then seamlessly split apart. The edges formed themselves into great cruel lips and a forked-no, perfectly normal tongue that ran itself over wickedly sharp teeth. The great lips pursed themselves and luxuriously sucked the whole fleet of pyramid ships in. Then it blew a kiss to the Flounder, which immediately righted itself.

Quent and Serlina stared at the view screen. They were still staring when Audrey walked on the bridge as if in a dream and joined the staring-at-the-view-screen party. The mouth smiled at her.

“Audrey, did you cause this?” asked Serlina.

Audrey swallowed hard. “I, I think so.”

“Try to do something else,” suggested Quent.

Audrey screwed her eyes shut. The mouth pursed itself, then spit out a small figure. Audrey opened her eyes and smiled at the mouth, which in turn smiled at her before melting into oblivion.

“What did you…” Quent tried to ask, but at that moment he was cut off.

“You took ma spaceship from meeee” sang a cell phone.

“My splash is gone!” wailed Bob.

“Warning. The dark matter is leaking into the plumbing.” Announced the computer.

“Oh my multiverse! I left a pop-tart in the toaster!” Serlina gasped, dashing off the bridge.

“Audrey! What did you and your conspiracy theories do this time!” yelled Tikka.

“ I say, are you going to open the air lock for me or not? Because it’s rather quiet and lonely out here in space, and it gives me the willies. I know! I’ll play the harmonica!”

“The captain’s back.” Said Audrey.

“And my front! I’m all here!”

“Audrey,” asked Sally, who had somehow managed to turn the captains cell phone on, “do you know that the stock market just went haywire?”

“I know this is a bad time, but I have to tell you now. I love you Bob!”

“Oh, computer, you do?”

“Oh, Bob”

Oh, Computer”

“Do you smell something burning?” asked Quent, alarmed.

And so ends this voyage of the UPF Ship Flounder. But never fear. These brave men, women, and machines will be back, back to fight new and more deadly foes, explore even more absurd spatial oddities, and save innocent colony planets from deadly gopher attacks once more. If they can put out the fire in the toaster.

​Black Holes and Other Battle Tactics: The Voyages of the UPF Flounder 
By: Elizabeth House