The Smiths Ruin Christmas
By: Hannah Cravens

The Smiths look average in every sense of the word; they live in the suburbs, they have a nice, American car with a “My child is on the honor roll at Washington High School” sticker on the bumper, and every Thanksgiving they have a nice meal with turkey and pumpkin pie. They are a perfect family: a dad (Jonathan), a mom (Sarah), two precious children (Katie and Johnny), and a golden retriever (Sammy). Unfortunately this nice family has some extended family members who are not so normal or perfect. There are lots of cousins and uncles and aunts and grandparents who do not live in the suburbs, drive Toyotas and Hondas, and have eaten Chinese on Thanksgiving. This not-so-nice part of the family is coming to the Smith’s house for Christmas, and Mrs. Smith is very worried that the neighbors are going to see all of these people she has tried so hard to keep hidden.

Right now on December 23rd, Mrs. Smith is sitting in her rocking chair that Mr. Smith gave her for Mother’s Day about five years ago. She’s rocking and rocking and rocking while she thinks of all the problems invading in a mere two days. There is Mr. Smith’s sister and her mob of a family—six kids and no father! Now the mother has to work two jobs to support her brood. Mrs. Smith is very glad that she is not nearly so irresponsible as to have children she can not support or have a husband she can not keep happy. Then there is her side of the family, a sister and a brother. Now the sister is not so bad on her own; it’s just her sister’s daughter. What a little tramp—barely seventeen and pregnant. The Smith’s little Katie would never think of getting herself into such a mess and embarrassing the family. Mrs. Smith adjusts herself in her seat as she thinks of the worst of them all: her brother. The little miscreant has had a drug problem since college and just got out of a rehab center. The family is just lucky that no one has ever found out—think of the shame! That is enough with the disturbing thoughts, decides Mrs. Smith. She slowly pulls herself out of her chair and makes her way to bed, turning on the night-table lamps in the children’s rooms to guide them when they get home, as both are at very important study groups. She lies down on her side of the bed and folds back her husband’s side of the comforter because he is downstairs on the computer taking care of the finances.

It is too bad the Smith children are not really at study groups. Straight-A Katie is with her boyfriend in the back of his pickup, and varsity football Johnny is lighting up a joint in the park with some of his friends. Financier Mr. Smith is doing a dirty deed of his own. Instead of balancing the online checkbook like he said, he is IMing his pretty new secretary. Around two or three in the morning the children creep in and find their way to their rooms, and Mr. Smith follows them upstairs soon afterwards. They all want to be well-rested for when the not-so-perfect family members come.

It is Christmas morning and Mrs. Smith is rocking and rocking and rocking in her chair. Her eyes flit nervously from one member of her extended family to another. All of them are gathered in the Smiths’ large living room, unwrapping presents and exchanging small talk. Everyone seems to be behaving so far, but she knows that it is only a matter of time before someone does something very, very uncouth. Suddenly a siren breaks the calm. Everyone races to the window to see what house is so unlucky as to have a cop come for Christmas. Shocked looks are exchanged when the patrol car comes to a halt outside of the Smiths’ house. Immediately Mrs. Smith turns to her brother and says, “I knew your problem would ruin Christmas. Are you really so irresponsible to bring drugs into my house?”

As he looks down in shame and mutters a tearful response (something about being clean for six months), policeman after policeman bursts through the door, pushing Johnny Smith against the wall and reading him his Miranda rights. Mrs. Smith screams in horror that they are, of course, mistaken and really should stop and think about what they are doing. In a matter of minutes, though, it is very clear that the policemen are not mistaken. From Johnny’s room emerges box after box of cocaine, marijuana, and a wide assortment of pills. Unfortunately for the Smiths, Johnny’s room is not the only room that needs to be searched. In Katie’s room the cops find birth control pills and condoms and from Mr. Smith’s study, they take the computer.

By nature cops are not really quiet people, and all of the comments they make throughout the house travel quite easily back to the ears of the Smiths and their guests, who are still sitting quietly in the living room. Mrs. Smith rocks quicker and quicker as they hear:

“This is probably the biggest bust this unit has ever made. I’ll bet we make the news!”

“What a little skank. Is that a pregnancy test? Whaddosit say? Positive? Guess little miss cheerleader’s going to miss prom.”

“I wish my secretary sent me pictures of her in lingerie. I’d be a happy, happy man.”

All of the family members stare at their laps, not sure of what to say or what to do. It is quite amazing, though, how everyone in the room is thinking the same thing (except the Smiths, of course). They are all thinking how glad they are that they are not as screwed up as this family and how glad they are that they are not nearly as irresponsible as this brood of hoodlums.